I can’t even fucking imagine “winning” a conversation. Making someone else lose words and stop defending themself. Putting a spin on something and having my version win.

I don’t just consciously think these aren’t good goals; I don’t even know how I’d go about conducting a conversation like that.

Also in shitty things

The part where you want to apologize and explain, but theoretically the better course is actually to play it cool and pretend nothing is wrong. You shouldn’t apologize for having an issue that no one understands or expects you to have. It’s this paradox of looking good, looking put together twined together with shame and judgment on yourself for not actually being that competent.

It’s hard (for me, at least) to fake it without feeling shitty for having to fake.


(This is an also because the previous post was about, but didn’t actually describe, the other similar dilemma. The one where you don’t know what you’re supposed to be doing but asking for guidance requires admitting that you don’t Just Know, which is about equally as embarrassing as messing up. Cue anxious shame calculus about which will actually be worse.)

I was feeling embarrassed about needing to ask for clarification, so I searched through Tales of MU to see if I’m correctly remembering “I need clarification” as Two’s way of putting it. But now I’m just having sad feelings about Liril and Two and augh.

(I can’t actually find an instance of Two saying that.)

New concept of the day (link)

New concept of the day (link)

Coincidentally introduced to me by someone talking about her vision problems. I definitely don’t have what she has, but…


Another characteristic [of cortical visual impairment] is absence of a visually directed reach. So I talked about there’s this dorsal visual stream and this ventral visual stream. The ability to look and reach as a single action is often dependent upon the integration of those two streams. And what often happens for children with CVI is you see a behavior in which they look toward a target, literally look away and then reach without looking.

Yeah, I do that sometimes. Not a lot, and I don’t have to do it, my hand-eye coordination is fine, but to me it feels like a shortcut. Like “I don’t have to really look at it, that’s too much trouble, this is easier.”

It’s really nice to know that the way I experience things meshes with how scientists think they work.

Short form of what’s at the Wikipedia link in the title: visual information from your eyes gets sent to multiple separate areas of the brain, which do different things with it. Mainly, perception of what things are, and the details of how they look (the “ventral stream” of information, they call it), is separate from perception of where things are, how they’re moving, and hand-eye coordination (the “dorsal stream”).

So, remember this? What I was talking about there can be framed as me using the “dorsal” processes and not the “ventral” ones. I actually do this in lots of situations, I think, but they’re not all easy to describe.

I can walk through a crowded place without bumping into anyone, but have no memory of what anyone in the crowd looked like, even immediately afterward. Obviously I see them, all that information does get into my eyes, but I only use it to see where they are. I don’t pay attention to what they look like. It isn’t a conscious choice not to pay attention; I’d have to make a conscious choice to pay attention to what they look like.



Taking a break with random vaguely unpleasant TV commentary

I’m thinking about Rachel Zane (Meghan Markle) from Suits, Zoe (Jennifer Beals) from Lie to Me, and Lillian (Maya Rudolph) from the movie Bridesmaids. What do they have in common (besides that I watched them recently so I remember them?)

  • The characters are all canonically mixed-race (we meet Rachel’s and Lillian’s parents on screen, and Zoe discusses people being racist against her parents because of their relationship)
  • I thought they were all white until it became a plot point that they weren’t.

Now, that degree of obliviousness might be just me.

But I think it says something that you have to be that mixed to be thought of as mixed. In the US we have a history (thanks to slavery) of considering anyone with any African ancestry as completely African. I feel like this situation is a mix of that, plus a general desire to cast only very conventionally attractive actresses and the racism involved in what’s considered conventionally attractive.

The thing is, if it’s about “recovery”, then I’m already friggin recovered. I haven’t done anything that drew blood since high school; I haven’t picked at an accidental injury in a year-ish; I’ve even cut down on picking at dry skin in totally harmless and non-painful ways, because it upsets Sparkly. I felt weird about that thing Emily posted, but I didn’t do anything. If that were it, I would be done, I would be totally fine.

The only reason it’s an issue is that I want to be allowed to want pain in a masochistic way, but I don’t feel like I can prove there’s a difference to other people’s satisfaction. So lingering self-doubt and the desire not to upset people stops me.