I’m writing this silly what-if story, and this just occurred to me. It’s in the folder of more or less finished things, not the rough draft folder, so Sparkly can see it. And I’ve finished maybe half of it? maybe two thirds? but this new character hasn’t explained why he’s acting so weird yet. I know exactly why and I’ve been planning out what he’s thinking all along, but nobody knows except me! Ehehehehe.
It’s only silly in a “why am I writing this anyway?” sense. It starts out sexy and then gets awkward, and eventually it’ll end on a hopeful note.
This is an exception to the usual things I put on this blog. It’s something I probably should tell more of my friends about, because I suspect some of them have been worrying about me needlessly. I feel like people may assume, since Sparkly is the one actually dating more than one person, and since she’s so much more outgoing than me, that maybe she pressured me into having an open relationship. That’s not true at all.
I’ve known I would be comfortable with polyamory/an open relationship since I first heard of the idea. This was well before I started dating Sparkly. I didn’t have any strong desire to be dating more than one person (which is why I’m not) but I was sure I wouldn’t have any problem with my partner also dating someone else. I don’t think I really understand why anyone has a problem with that.
I didn’t bring it up with her at first, because she seemed pretty focused on monogamy, but I was the one who actually brought it up as a serious possibility when Sparkly started flirting with Reference Desk Girl.
I need to look into this thing one of my history professors mentioned. Because I don’t know anything about it except his little digression to explain something in an essay we read. This is roughly what he said, as far as I can remember:
There’s this concept that was in vogue for a while called the “total institution”, meaning some kind of system, like a prison, that’s enclosed and isolated, and has some authority controlling everything that goes on inside– every aspect of the prisoners’ lives. It started as a way of conceiving of Nazi concentration camps, and then people tried to see how it would apply to other things, like slavery (and in the case of our reading, 16th-century sailing ships). It went out of fashion because research showed that even the worst institutions anyone could think of — they were never really that total. There are always things going on that the authorities don’t know about, always people rebelling in various small ways, and sometimes in big ways.
What’s on my mind is, that was the end of what my professor had to say, but now I feel like he stopped right before the interesting part. There aren’t total institutions because there don’t HAVE to be. It doesn’t TAKE a total institution to fuck people up. It doesn’t TAKE this dystopian kind of total control over everything you do and say and hear. To get an effective institution, it doesn’t take nearly that much work.
Exactly what kind and how much outside control of their life does it take to really traumatize someone, now, that’s an interesting question.
I’m beginning to realize that the assortment of people who’ve asked me, based on my appearance, if I was
from somewhere in eastern Europe
from somewhere in the Middle East
and the one friend who apparently spent years just assuming I was Jewish, without asking
really do have a point!
Though to the best of my knowledge I’m none of these things.
Mostly for my own future reference.
I came to this fic because of the “alternate universe where underwear is different” concept, because isn’t that a premise that makes you want to see more? And I have absolutely no knowledge of the source material. But as it turns out, the whole undercover/alias/talking about ourselves in the third person but not quite ourselves thing– I did not know I needed that, but I do.
(Meaning, in a “gray area” where you’re sort of asexual but not exactly.)
I never really spent that much time reading about asexuality, the first time around (because a lot of what I found was aimed at people who are actively disgusted by sex, which I was already sure was not me.) I gave up on the idea for two reasons:
- I actually had sex for the first time and discovered I could really enjoy it.
- I got started on the idea that it was the kinds of things I noticed and found attractive that were unusual, not the attraction I ended up with.
But just now (because of something I was reading) I asked myself, would I feel satisfied in a romantic relationship without sex? And I think I would. I think I’d be fine with that. I enjoy sex (a lot), and I do have some “sex drive”/desire for sexual pleasure, but if my partner was okay with me masturbating occasionally, I think I’d be okay with not having sex. And that’s probably not normal, is it? Even if it’s not asexuality, it’s not normal.
I do sometimes (rarely) just out-of-the-blue want sex, and specifically partnered sex, not masturbation. I do sometimes look at Sparkly and think “I want to touch you/have sex with you/etc” instead of “you’re beautiful”– rarely. But the vast majority of the time, my mind just doesn’t do things that way.
and we will never know the reason why!
(This happened two days ago. I’ve been busy.)
She called and said she had something important to tell Sparkly, but she had to call someone else first and Sparkly should go take a shower and then call her back. (She thinks it’s Very Important that Sparkly should take a shower right after gymnastics practice, for various reasons that aren’t really important.) So Sparkly stews and worries for 20 minutes, calls her back, she says oh don’t worry I sorted it all out I don’t need to talk to you anymore. Absolutely avoids saying what it was about. Instead finds the time to say that Sparkly should practice her coping skills better if this whole “This is important, now wait and I’ll tell you later!” thing made her anxious. And to lecture her on hygiene and ask her if she’s taking her meds.
N.B. If someone is trying to tell you something, and you say you don’t have time to listen and hang up on them, you are blowing them off. It doesn’t matter if you have a reason unless it’s an actual emergency, and even then you should probably still apologize.
Oh also she’s done this at least a half-dozen times now and I should record it: except when she’s in a hurry, like the first phone call, she won’t end the conversation until Sparkly says “I love you”. She’ll literally prompt her, she’ll say “And what else?” after Sparkly says goodbye. It may be the most disgustingly petty thing I’ve ever heard.
Why do I forget lots of people don’t know these things?
Why did I end up knowing these things?
I’ve found a decent number of people on Tumblr to follow who watch and talk about Miss Fisher. I now get to see a lot of lovely posts about how attractive Jack is. Earlier today I started wondering why I don’t see any similar posts about Phryne, or any of the other characters…
That’s probably because the people I follow are straight, huh? They’re all women and they’re probably all straight except for A, and that shouldn’t really surprise me! I’ve just gotten used to everyone being queer. Oops.
I wrote this ages ago and didn’t post it, I’m not sure why. Probably I was going to collect more links.
Fuuuuck I bet I know who siggorts are supposed to be and ouch that is awkward. I mean, assuming they’re meant to represent any specific existing thing and not just a philosophical situation.
Or maybe it’s not that bad? Since innocence is part of their definition? (here and here)
(X) Sid has difficulty with his identity
(X) Max has difficult with Sid’s identity and then has a bright idea
(X) Siggorts in general