Specifically, I was pining for this fic. I don’t think I talked about it here yet? So. Many. Feelings. And yeah, apparently the author intended to be writing about brain damage, but still.

Why have I been feeling more angsty than usual?

• I’m reading a book that is fascinating but doesn’t take rape quite seriously enough
• Tumblr recommended me posts about ABA therapy– positive ones, from a “proud radical behaviorist”.
• AML has a community and I have mildly jealous feelings about that
• I haven’t slept well the past few nights
• I shouldn’t have read MT’s new fic. That was a big one. Oddly/especially because part of my reaction was “I want to read about someone LIKE ME being all traumatized, instead.”

I think that’s it? Well, it’s enough.

I’ve gotten some nice angsty short stories out of it though– less awful than usual, which is why they actually got written down.

Day 10: What are your hard limits?

The people at the table behind me in the coffee shop are talking about weight loss coaches while I read this.

I guess it proves the point? Avoiding weight loss talk is pretty damn hard, and there’s every reason for spaces that don’t allow it.

In which Sparkly has The Genders

(an expression I picked up from someone I follow on Tumblr. Meaning “gender issues”, or maybe “questioning your gender” or “having a complicated gender”.)

So this afternoon, Sparkly kind of out of the blue started talking about gender-neutral pronouns, and maybe wanting to use one. But she doesn’t want to go to the trouble of asking for one from most people she knows, since she’s basically okay with “she”, and she thinks most of the new neutral pronouns just sound awkward.

I offered to use one for her here, but she said she couldn’t decide on one so I shouldn’t bother, at least for now.

I did my best to reassure her that it’s okay to just have these feelings and keep them private, that she doesn’t have to Do Something about them for them to be legitimate, now or ever.

I have a number of feelings:

• I was right that this wasn’t just going to go away.
• I’m really, really happy that she’s in a place where she can be calm and thoughtful about this, rather than feeling all shitty and conflicted for even considering it.
• One minor benefit of which is, now I have a better understanding of how she feels, than when we were totally talking around it.
• It’s good, considering all the money she’s invested in (ladies’ department) suits and formal clothing lately, that she is basically okay with looking feminine, even if she feels like it doesn’t totally fit her.

---

 

Just as an experiment, here’s how it would sound. (With ey/em/eir)

So this afternoon, Sparkly kind of out of the blue started talking about gender-neutral pronouns, and maybe wanting to use one. But ey doesn’t want to go to the trouble of asking for one from most people ey knows, since ey’s basically okay with “she”, and ey thinks most of the new neutral pronouns just sound awkward.

I offered to use one for em here, so now I’m trying it out.

I did my best to reassure em that it’s okay to just have these feelings and keep them private, that ey doesn’t have to Do Something about them for eir feelings to be legitimate.

My fiance Sparkly. Ey is so wonderful. I love em more than I can say, even though I say it every day. I try to show it through what I do. I feel warm and helpful and protective when ey’s late for work and I pack a lunch for em. I’m so proud of eir work, too. Ey’s so devoted to the law, and to using it to help people. It’s beautiful, the way ey talks about the law and eir obligation to eir clients. I know I’ll only have more to be proud of when ey graduates.

Babbling

This is dark and also babbly and inconsistent, and needs to be expanded on, but here you go.

Days 8 and 9

Day 8: Post a kinky image you find erotic.
Day 9: Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy.

I’m going to skip these, because nothing comes to mind for either of them and I don’t feel like looking something up just for this list. (I don’t generally go looking for visual porn of any kind, and… I really would not have expected “kink-related songs” to be a large category? But what do I know?)

 

Day 7: What’s your favorite toy?

Day 6: Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy.

Day 5: What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven’t had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen.

Man, I don’t even know. I never intentionally set out to have a First Kinky Experience. I guess depending on your standards, it’d be either the first time Sparkly spanked me (althouth that wasn’t really sexual) or one of the times I was submissive in (text, online) roleplay with her, when we were still living apart. But one of the few times I was dominant might actually have been earlier. I don’t remember.

I’ll talk about the spanking, at least.