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Small pieces about today

Spotify’s idea of what songs are similar to each other is really… interesting, but now I get to listen to a bunch of cool Hardanger fiddle music so I’m okay with it.

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Yesterday Sparkly wore one of my pairs of $30 Old Navy jeans, having mistaken them for eir fancy new $80 jeans (although just as a note ey did get them on sale.) And ey wore them ALL DAY without realizing.

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Rambling about language

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April Food Diary

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The big explanation thing for Sparkly is now ten pages, just over 5,000 words. Each little section sounds okay on its own, I think, so I just hope the whole thing holds together.

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Went to [event], sat in a nice quiet side room, was somewhat more self-aware than usual, now I have a new fidget to add to the list: rubbing my hands up and down the tops of my thighs (while I’m sitting down.) I know I do this a lot, now that I think of it; I just didn’t think of it before. They’re all super unobtrusive, hard-to-quantify things, which isn’t surprising at all.

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The thing about dissociation is…

If you set the bar for dissociation low enough, I dissociate a lot. Like almost every day.

Uncomfortable sensory things where I think, “Ehh, I don’t like it, but I can relax and let it happen and tolerate it,” that’s dissociation. When noise makes it hard to think, so to tolerate it I stop thinking complex thoughts, that’s dissociation. Strategically letting my mind go blank is my solution to a lot of things.

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Ibuprofen is magic but I have to take two other meds with it or I’ll get all heartburny and nauseous. Acetaminophen doesn’t upset my stomach, and it’s okay for fevers but it barely even touches pain. Why is the world like this?

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I’m just going to take a moment

to feel proud of myself for self-diagnosing. Like, I could have gone my whole life just thinking I was weird, and not having the language to explain how I felt about a million different things, and not knowing there was anyone who felt the same way. But instead I figured this out on my own, with a little bit of luck but also a LOT of reading. That’s pretty cool.

And it means that I can STOP feeling sorry for myself and try to work better with what I have.

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I was tired and Sparkly was singing along with the radio

and I had an idea: the way music prompts you to come in after the instrumental break feels like the way spoken scripts prompt you. …By which I mean, when you have an established pattern where someone says Thing A to you and you always say Thing B back. That kind of script.

Also, my brain can be tired in a way that makes singing seem tiring.

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