It squicks me out. The idea of being misunderstood and not being able to explain myself or set things straight really bothers me, because I so often have trouble speaking when I’m put on the spot. Or I try to speak quickly and say something that can be misunderstood again, or turned into a joke or something. And when I’m sitting there silent for longer than the accepted amount of time, people do like to assume they know what I’m trying to say. Which makes it harder for me to explain, again.
(Note to anyone who may talk to me in real life: if you offer me something, or ask if I want to do something, and I don’t answer for a bit, that’s usually me trying to decide. If you assume I’m trying to say no, 80% chance that after you leave I will sit there cursing because I did want to go, or I just wanted to ask you to clarify something.) [You know what the awfullest thing is? Sometimes, if I feel really strongly that I have to be polite, my inability to give a polite answer can result in me going along with what you’ve assumed I want, instead of what I actually want to do! It’s AWFUL. No love at all to you, aggressively normal judgey old roommate, even though you couldn’t have known exactly what you were doing. Though on second thought you were a psych major, so maybe! UGH.]
That got longer than I expected. So. There’s why. What I wanted to tell you all is that I feel the same way about people assuming things about me in general– even, especially, if they’re sort of right. I’m also not a huge fan of revealing things about myself unintentionally, so I don’t exactly like the idea that people can tell things about me just from how I look, or from apparently inconsequential things I’ve told them.
The first time I saw the video this article is discussing, I watched the first 30 seconds or so and laughed and agreed. Then I read that article, and watched the whole thing, and cringed a lot a lot a lot. I don’t think the video overall is too terrible– for instance, it’s one remark with undertones of body shaming, not a whole lot– but I really do not like Ms. “gold star lesbians don’t like penetration” and “you have to have consistency”. In an objective way, I agree that all that is bad because it’s representing one particular way of having sex as “what real lesbians do”, and thus excluding or shaming everyone who doesn’t do it that way.
And in a personal way, the “gold star” bit makes me cringe because apparently I am fulfilling a stereotype (even though it isn’t intended to apply to me, since I’m not a lesbian.) The thing is, I couldn’t exactly not fulfill it if I wanted to– even if I were straight/if or when I end up having PIV sex, with the vulva/vagina/etc that I’ve got, being penetrated by something much bigger than one finger is very painful. (Painful enough that I have not tried to push it even though I really would like to be able to use something bigger. I have no way of comparing whether other people feel more or less pain than I do, and I’d rather this not go there. It’s too painful for me to tolerate, is all I know.) So if I had started off with a partner who had a penis, I would have just had to deal with it? No, thank you! That sounds like a depressing view of the world to me! It’s not “being a gold star” that makes me not like penetration, it’s my body.
I also have a personal reaction to the consistency thing… I like consistent steady touch in some circumstances, but it doesn’t get me off very well. Steady pressure often makes me get numb. Yes, this is unusual, I guess. Sparkly isn’t like this, and I’ve been struggling with explaining it to her. (Because lots of reasons. Because lack of experience makes it easy to assume that your body should work like your partner’s body, because the things we do together are usually different from what I do to masturbate, because it just takes time to process and understand stuff instead of enjoying it in the moment.) I really don’t appreciate anything that makes that harder. And hearing “you have to have a consistent motion” presented as The Way It Is does make the not assuming and the processing harder.