Like the idea of one of your partners having “veto power” over what you do with other people.
“Often people structure their poly this way (so that people have veto power over what is done with others) to make people feel safer, but the setup often ends up with people feeling devalued and angry instead.”
I feel bad about the situation with Sparkly and RDG. I was vague. I was cautious about what I told her I was okay with, for no actual good reason. (I got caught in the pull of “but that’s what happens to everbody, right?” a little bit.) So I didn’t want to say they could have sex, because I ridiculously thought I might get jealous, and so I was vague and confusing about what I was okay with.
And Sparkly I guess took it as a definite no, partly because she didn’t want to upset me and partly because things that are a little bit wrong but not actually dangerous are sexy to her. (And to me too. I definitely don’t fault her for that, at all.)
I feel like I did wrong by being so vague, like maybe I made things worse. I feel bad for putting RDG in that position. I want to keep that kind of sexy strictly to things that are completely harmless.