The things I read as a teen left me well-prepared to do this sort of self care re: sex. They taught me that it was important to figure out what I wanted and to tell my partner about it, and to be wary of the pressure that can come from “this is the way it’s supposed to go”.
In other areas of life I am very much not well-prepared to do this.
In other areas of life, my childhood taught me that acting weird/not fulfulling expectations is the worst possible outcome. With the right combination of an expected script for the situation and sufficient Respectable Correctness on your part, my brain will assist you in railroading me into doing things I don’t want to do.
I feel like I don’t have time to think. I know that something isn’t right, but I somehow don’t have the capacity to act on it. I feel like I barely even have time to feel “this isn’t what I wanted”, much less figure out how to say it. I feel like I have to be polite, and I don’t know how to deviate from the script and redirect things politely, so I can’t. Sometimes even just saying and doing nothing falls too far below Normalcy and Politeness.
And this has only ever happened to me about stupid things like what food I want and being overcharged in stores but it still feels awful.
It could easily have happened to me with sex, if I had wanted anybody/anybody had wanted me before I had the chance to learn differently, or even later if I had ended up with someone less awesome than Sparkly.
So I guess what I’m feeling now is, That could have been me.
(I want to quote Hitherby Dragons and say, I can be terrified into consenting, but while calling this sort of thing being terrified is true on one level, it’s not a great description of what’s actually going through my mind during. So there you go.)