Here is your opportunity to compare the measured, explicative version of something with the sad unedited rambling version, below. Though, actually, on third reading, the first version really doesn’t understate it that much and I’m not sure if this really adds anything.
So yeah what I said originally was “that could have been me” which doesn’t really convey why I’m so upset about it so no, I shouldn’t expect people to get it from just that.
What sticks in my mind is helplessness. It’s not “someone could
hurt attack me,*” it’s “sometimes I am totally powerless over what happens to me”, over and above any normal kind of powerlessness.
An experience where you’re angry, and so is someone else, and then they hurt you, and then you’re sad and angry, is… seamless. It’s a coherent narrative. From the beginning it contains a Bad Thing which is labelled that way in your mind, and you get to be angry about it and react to it and REJECT it.
What I’m talking about is when a thing happens, and some part of it is an important Thing, it has significance, but it’s ill-defined and you don’t even get to “do not want”, you just have this sinking feeling that something didn’t go the way it was supposed to but you just ABSORB it anyway, you don’t even have that mental defense of “no!”, the indescribable thing that is not what you wanted is already INSIDE you, it’s already happened and you just let it, you took it in.
And you have to live with the contradiction of the Thing that did not have the outward sign and appearance of wrongness, but you did not want it to be inside you this way, it wasn’t supposed to be a part of your normal positive experience of the world but you can’t find the line to separate it to cut it off and make it something else.
I am saying this as many ways as possible in hopes that some part of it evokes what I want it to evoke.
It’s sort of backwards to how I’ve framed it but the Hitherby here is “you will drown in him forever.” Plus of course the multiple crucible-stories about not being able to walk out.
*Why attack and not hurt? An attack connotes something that comes in from the outside, something that’s obvious. Whereas what I’m talking about is something that blooms up suddenly and awkwardly inside your memories after you’ve just formed them, a seed of something you didn’t intend to swallow.