For a while I’ve been meaning to ask Sparkly whether it’s okay for me to say the thing now or not. I don’t actually know how she feels about it now.
I feel like theoretically I should be able to assume it’s okay. Like, it’s obviously not a shock anymore. And we ended things on an okay note, even though she was really upset.
But we haven’t talked about it at all since then, and I’m scared that her feelings haven’t actually changed. That I’ll get “labelling yourself=limiting yourself/giving up” again, and talking about that is just hard. I don’t want to do it again. I don’t want to have to (again) construct a persuasive argument for continuing to exist even though I have problems. I’d like for my ability to exist and do something worthwhile to not be questioned, you know? I don’t need to feel any more worthless than I already do. I don’t need anybody besides my own jerkbrain saying “why can’t you just be normal?” It hurts. I gave a pretty damn good argument considering the circumstances last time, I think, but I shouldn’t need to write a heart-hurting personal essay on this.
I’m especially afraid I’ll get “now that you’ve reminded me, here are all the ways you fail” again, too.
Literally nothing has ever hurt me as much as that conversation did.
I am trying so fucking hard and I’m doing so much better than I was even a couple years ago. To hear that that’s pretty much invisible and that going to social things with me just drags her down…
There are various practical brain reasons I have trouble with social things- the hearing stuff, for one. But because of those things, because I’ve spent my whole life muddling along, not knowing they were actual definable problems, just getting things wrong all the time, I AM SO FUCKING TERRIFIED of putting myself out there and messing up and getting judged, and laughed at, and excluded. Sometimes (not a lot, not always, but sometimes) just participating in conversation at all makes my hands shake and my heart beat fast, because I so deeply assume that nothing I say will go well, that no one wants to spend time listening to me. I need to unlearn that, or there’s no point in fixing the practical stuff. That’s the main thing I’m trying to do.
Sparkly got me right in the middle of my single biggest issue, with that.
I want her to be able to tell me about things that bother her, about things she needs from me. But I need to have a foundation for that where I’m okay and I am doing/will do what I can, where it’s a problem I can work on improving, not black-and-white, either/or between “you must magically become normal” and “you will never amount to anything”. I need her to be willing to work with me. Because I can probably do a whole lot better. I really think I can. But it’s going to take work, and time, and some understanding that some things are always going to be hard.
And I am still scared that I won’t get that from her. I’m scared that she still feels like I’m not really good enough. That she’s tolerating me and she’ll only do it for so long. I’m still scared.
I came so very very close to just saying anything to make her not feel like that about me. To promising things I knew I couldn’t really do. So close. I felt so worthless. But I just barely didn’t, and I’m sort of proud of myself for that, as proud as I can be while just feeling awful about the whole thing.