I wrote this a long time ago and it got lost in my drafts. So now I get to post it right next to the more recent, more thoughtful version.
Augh I need to write about gender. And Meda’s things about it and “disabled can’t coexist with feminine” and “not cis or trans” and “femme grotesque” and all that.
Basically I am comfortable with how I see my gender, and I always have been. But I’m coming to realize that other people don’t always see me the same way I see myself? And I spent A LONG TIME feeling I wasn’t allowed to be feminine, it wasn’t for me, I was just too awful at it to be allowed to try. And having difficulty finding a femininity for myself that wasn’t either infantilizing or more sexual than I was comfortable with. And… yeah.
I didn’t think about it that way, because… I knew who I was, at every point? I never questioned my gender. I knew how I felt, and what I wanted to do, and what I didn’t want.
But. Difficulties. Scrubs guy fiddling with the hem of his scrubs– “feminine”, “childish” mannerisms. My voice when I have a cold. My body hair. I never look my age.
Expanding on this:
How DO I see my gender?
I see myself as a slightly masculine woman. A no-nonsense, practical kind of woman, who’ll wear pretty things as long as they don’t get in the way. I’d like to think that I have some amount of skill and dignity and thoughtfulness. If I have to be slow I can at least put a positive spin on it.
But it seems like, to other people, I either look juvenile, frivolous, insecure, silly, or else I look cold, overly controlled, pushy, not feminine at all. When I’m quiet and hesitant, either I’m cute, or if I make any kind of scene or inconvenience, I’m weak and pathetic and useless. When I think I’m being brave and actually expressing my ideas, people react as if I’m bowling over everyone else.