Whining

Sparkly, you may not want to read this, or you may not want to read it right now, because it is awkward and sort of not my business. Anyone else, this is missing a lot of context and also any kind of judgment; possibly it’s very inappropriate for several reasons, but right now I’m just writing down how I feel.

Can you believe the course of my life has changed so much because I semi-jokingly called someone “sir”?

Maybe the same thing would have happened a different way if I hadn’t said that. But I definitely saw it as the beginning, looking back on it from slightly further in the past. I considered not saying it. And that one little instance of putting myself out there led to a lot of others.

I was brave. And I was brave several more times after that, too.

I’m glad that I was braver and quicker than you. I don’t think it actually means I’m braver or better in general, but I’m glad.

Thank you for being, as far as I know, truly 100% less nasty in the past year or so, but I still feel all protective and territorial about you and your whole thing. You behaved really badly for a while there! I’m not going to forget that! I’m glad you’re not around as much anymore, even though you have behaved much better when you are around. I will continue to be nice to you, but I will also continue to be quietly pleased that I’m here and you’re not.

——–

I still maintain that I don’t really feel jealousy about relationships at all. And it doesn’t bother me at all when Sparkly does spend time with her. But I do feel this. I guess “It’s me and not you” doesn’t even have that much to do with it. I’m just glad it’s NOT HER, for whatever reason. I have a lot of GO AWAY in me, and this is one time where someone actually went away, so I guess it all comes out here.

——–

Okay fine in the interests of thoroughness: this was prompted by Boundary Girl saying something about her sexuality on Tumblr. I sort of knew but did I need to see her actually say it and think about all this again? (In retrospect I can’t believe I actually decided to use that as her pseudonym, but to be fair she was causing me a lot of stress at the time. I think she was actually the catalyst for my finally starting this blog instead of idly thinking about it.)

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