Today I noticed a thing.

I went shopping with Sparkly. We returned some things that didn’t really fit em, and wandered around a bunch of stores, and on the way home ey suggested we could pick up sandwiches for dinner. But ey was very tired, and so I dropped em off at home and then went to get food by myself.

And on my way to the restaurant alone, after being fine with all sorts of wandering and last-minute decisions all afternoon, I started thinking,  “Wait, shit, I need to stop and think. I need to make a plan. What am I supposed to be doing next? I’m going down this street, to get sandwiches, and then what?”

It’s not like I follow Sparkly around with no will of my own. Today I read maps and gave em directions, expressed plenty of opinions and even did some wandering around by myself.

But ey was in some way helping, I guess? Responding to other people’s ideas is different from making decisions on my own.

I think things like this have happened to me a few times before. I talked to someone else about what I was going to do and it seemed reasonably clear, and once I was by myself I did not feel sufficiently prepared at all.

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