What if I had a specific way of dressing?
(One I put more effort and coordination into than my current one.)
I’ve been thinking about how I feel about my awesome new sunderess, and:
- I love how it looks on me
- I love how it feels when I’m wearing it, it’s physically comfortable and nice
- I’m not sure I like how other people react to me when I’m wearing it.
I don’t want to be the most feminine person in a room. Even though I love how I look. The feeling that other people recognize me as Very Attractive Young Woman is just weird– not even the attention from men, but the sense that other women feel like they’re less than me. And I know the feeling– I have on occasion looked in the mirror and thought, “I look like one of the pretty popular girls I used to think were absolutely unattainably better than me,” and that’s pretty jarring!
I feel like fitting into that role puts distance between me and the people I actually have things in common with and want to get to know. Not that women who are very successfully feminine and attractive aren’t sometimes awesome people, because they are, but I don’t want people who I think of as my fellow weird geeky women to see me as separate from them.
In everything, not just fashion or appearance, I’m used to being seen as weird, and I accept it, I am weird. I want people to recognize that about me when they see me. (At least, when it comes to social situations and not, like, work.) I don’t want to have people acting friendly and then drifting away once they realize what I’m like. I want people to know that I’m weird and okay with it.
How do I do that while still dressing in a way that I actually think looks good? Not sure. At least I know what I want?
For future consideration:
There are already several things that aren’t Properly Feminine about me (no make up, non-fancy eyebrows). Some people seem to notice these things and count them against me, and some don’t.
Some of the positive reaction I get is about being thin (or thinner than the people around me). It’s not just that, because when I started losing weight in college nobody noticed, and nobody really seems to have noticed that I’ve gained back some of what I lost. And the difference between Properly Feminine and Not Worth Noticing can’t be just 20 pounds, can it? Not even on someone as short as me?
I think maybe a part of it is just not being mentally sorted as The Weird Girl anymore. I think that made people discount other things about me (such as how I actually looked.)
So I guess what I want is for people to recognize me as weird on my own terms, without ignoring everything else about me.
Is it actually possible to be recognized as weird in a positive way? Am I having nostalgia for something that’s familiar but not actually good at all?