This isn’t a sad post, just a thinky post

So I saw this floating around on Tumblr a couple of times, and then someone brought this line specifically to my attention:

People who suffer from C-PTSD may feel compelled to get away from others and be by themselves, so that no-one will witness what may come next.

So here I am saying for like the millionth time, that hits a nerve I’m not supposed to have, how does this keep happening?

I think I get this one, though.

Broadly speaking, it’s about “passing” and disability, the problem of having a skewed idea of what a normal amount of effort is, because you spend all your time doing things that are normal and expected but require much more effort from you than they do from most people.

Sometimes, on some level, it’s embarrassing to have people notice that effort? It’s an inconvenience? It means you have to manage their feelings on top of the actual problem.

If you build up the idea in your mind that you Have to do it, and you Can do it, and you’re going to do it (even though it costs you a lot) then when someone comes along and questions that, you’re just like

No, leave me alone, let me just suffer quietly over here, and then I’ll have done the thing and everything will be good and normal and we can move on.

It’s a combination of:

  1. Embarrassment at being seen to struggle
  2. A desire to not inconvenience other people
  3. Cognitive dissonance because going through that level of suffering on a regular basis really is normal to you

So like

the “don’t worry about me, don’t be concerned about what’s happening, everything will be better if you just leave me alone, let me compartmentalize all this dirty messy painful stuff so that it’s quick and neat, and then we can go on with our lives” mindset–

I can relate to that.

I think there’s a Hitherby for that state of mind but I can’t remember exactly what it is right now Possibly something about what’s-his-name and his runt.


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