Still sick

but also thinking about religion and magic and superstitions. I’m a little afraid of the part of me that wants to see omens & significance in small things, believe that my intentions can make things happen, etc. I feel like it could get out of hand very easily.

I’m not sure if that’s a justified feeling, though. It’s a little related to the fear of being stereotypically “off in my own world”.


2 thoughts on “Still sick

  1. aaaa i feel this. i actually asked the chaplain in the psych ward, “how do i differentiate between beliefs and brain stuff? between spirituality and ocd patterns compulsions etc, what just makes me feel better?”

    he had zero answers :’). a year later, i just sorta accept whatever my brain decides is important — still with a filter of ok don’t get carried away (? sigh that feel), but also, just allowed to let myself feel things, and learn about me that way.

    yr post resonated so! storyshare. hearts!

    1. Hearts for you too. :) It is a weird set of feelings.
      I don’t think it’s an OCD-ish thing? Although that’s something I’m still thinking through. But I follow a few people on Tumblr who talk about their OCD and what it’s like, and it seems so far from my experience that it’s hard to imagine what they’re describing, particularly when it comes to compulsions. All my routines and things I Need To Do take a lot of conscious effort to maintain. It’s hard for me to imagine feeling a need to do something like that. I feel like my subconscious mind just isn’t very interested in rules?
      One thing I am concerned about is anxiety-related, though. I’ve spent enough time worrying about break-ins when I’m home alone that I’m pretty sure if I spent 0.5 seconds thinking about it I would come up with all sorts of supernatural bogeymen to be afraid of, and I’d rather not start down that path.
      But the main thing is that I don’t want to think I’m doing something important but really just be talking to myself. And apparently my default assumption is that my impulses about things like this are bad and silly and will lead me wrong. Even thinking about having a “don’t get carried away” line not to cross, like you said, my first reaction is that that wouldn’t help because *none* of what I would want to do would be good or meaningful, so where would I draw the line?
      So with all this I’m not sure if I really want to explore religious/spiritual/whatever stuff at all. But being suspicious of myself in this way is probably not good.
      I should go to bed, I hope this makes sense.

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