Why do people have to be such ridiculous assholes about abuse. Why.
The asshole I’m mad at in this specific case thinks they’re doing a good thing and being very anti-abuse! But they’re going on about male violence, and even if they didn’t put an explicitly transmisogynist interpretation on that, it’s still bullshit. The male violence* theory of rape and abuse seriously scares me so much.
Obviously sexism is a significant component of a lot of abuse within intimate relationships, I’m not saying it isn’t, but when people decide that sexism is The Framework for understanding abuse, that it literally comes before anything else, that someone’s gender (or assigned sex, for this particular asshole) is the thing you need to know to understand whether and how abuse is happening– who knows how much they might be missing?
“I know women can also be abusers” says this asshole, and that’s good, but it’s not good enough. If you see female abusers as the exception the rule– and especially, God forbid, if you imagine that abusiveness and masculinity in women are linked in some way– you’re going to miss things, and you’re going to misunderstand things, because you’re not looking for them! If you focus all your attention on male violence, on male entitlement, on male anger, how are you going to recognize the women around you who are dangerous? Whether they’re actually dangerous in a different way (debatable) or just because you perceive them differently.
If you’re so invested in us-versus-them thinking about abuse, how are you going to handle it when your “us” hurts someone? How does this seem like a good idea to anyone? How does it not seem like exactly the way various communities end up condoning and protecting abusers?
*These are italics of scorn, by the way. The slightly angrier and slightly more professional version of ~tildes~ of sarcasm.