Sparkly don’t read

Today I did a thing where I was feeling really easily upset and frustrated (because earlier noise overload, and things not going according to plan, and a bit of food anxiety) and idk, this is actually a thing I’ve done lots of times before but I never really thought about it. This feeling sometimes comes with crying and negative thoughts of a “everything is hopeless and awful” type.

I can try not to give in to feeling that way and just focus on steadily working my way through the problem, and it often works, but the result of that is that the way I’m feeling snaps super quickly from “everything is awful” sobbing to “everything is fine, I’m just cooking dinner, just gotta mince some garlic…”

and I truly feel fine emotionally in those moments, but it comes back full force if any tiny thing goes wrong with what I’m working on. And like, the parts where it comes back sort of make sense, because I’m on the edge of being overwhelmed and it’s a “final staw” sort of thing, but the part where I can basically instantly turn off meltdowns at will makes less sense & is probably less normal.

But the thing is it’s normal to me, it has long been a feature of how my brain works and how I deal with frustration i.e. overwhelm, so it really didn’t occur to me until today that maybe this is a sign in favor of me actually using the word “dissociation” to describe things I do. Like. I always thought of it as a coping mechanism, me talking myself through things, but emotions aren’t supposed to snap on and off and back on again like that. People are probably not supposed to simultaneously think “I bitterly hate everything in this room right now because Everything Keeps Going Wrong,” and “this isn’t a real emotion, I’ll be fine in a moment”.

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