(Sparkly don’t read)
It’s hard to believe in your own talents and capabilities (and a lot of other things too) when you don’t really believe that anything that seems really rewarding, beautiful, transcendent, shiny, is really real.
Because it never works out, does it? Fascinating, engaging, exciting things are actually stupid and weird. Amazing transcendent things are actually just averagely nice things, and it’s stupid and weird to be invested in them as more than that. Anything that you do thinking it’s cool and fun and worthwhile, you will later regret and be embarrassed by. Stuff that you’re good at, stuff that you enjoy, can’t possibly actually be important or useful. It’s too juvenile. Too silly. Too pointless, or even actively harmful. Too strange– or else, too unremarkable, everyone does that, it doesn’t make you special. Too gross. Too dirty. Too socially inappropriate. Too age-inappropriate. Too nerdy. Too shallow. Too boring. Too fantastic and disconnected from reality.
I don’t BELIEVE this, you understand, but I feel it.