I feel like this needs a warning but I’m not sure how to do it, so here we go friends, I’m going to talk about my self-hating brain goblins and also say the word “pedophilic”.
To clarify that previous post, I feel like my stimming and sensory seeking are more gross and shameful than my sexual attraction. And I feel like the combination of the two is extra gross. Because stimming is “childish”/the kind of thing you get infantilized for, so bringing sexuality into the same realm as it is gross in a pedophilic way (says my jerkbrain) and somehow that grossness is my fault:
(a) even if I’m talking about myself as an adult and no children are involved and I insist that there is nothing childish about how my senses work
(b) even if I’m talking about myself as a child so the only child there to be in danger is me
I’m the one that made it gross so I still feel like it’s my fault.
Or maybe it’s that I’m putting my gross uncanny-valley-ness in good nice sexuality. Who the fuck knows. Not my jerkbrain. Either way it’s gross and it’s my fault.
And that’s why I mentioned the potential existence of positive sensory issues with sex way back in my series of “things about my sexuality” and then never expanded on it.