Sparkly don’t read

Revisiting this topic.

What bugs me is that parents (/other people who are adjacent to autistic people) get to have their difficult feelings, and vent about them, and discuss them, and analyze them, and get validated by other people, and I don’t.

First because if I let myself get too self-loathing-y, no amount of outside reassurance is really going to make up for it.

Second because who would reassure me?

If they think my mistake/”mistake” wasn’t a big deal, people don’t understand why I’m upset about it, and sometimes instead of reassuring me, they get confused and irritated with me for being upset.

If they do think it’s a big deal, they’re busy being upset with me, or they can’t honestly reassure me because they really are judging me for making such a bad mistake.

Usually the only time people try to reassure me is when they want me to hurry up and stop being upset so they don’t have to deal with it, and it tends not to work because I need time and privacy to fully pull myself together.

There isn’t room for me to have the feelings that I have. I want to say “This is about me, so what about my embarrassment?” but actually I don’t want to say that. I can’t express my feelings of embarrassment, and no one wants to hear them, and the reasons they don’t want to hear them are completely reasonable and valid so I can’t even complain. I don’t actually want or expect people to stop talking about this stuff, not least because secondhand embarrassment is awful and I totally sympathize with struggling with it.

It’s just really awkward to hear about other people’s embarrassment About You.

 

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