Abuse from the abuser’s point of view: “Yeah, hurting people is theoretically wrong, but I can hurt you because…”

(I’m special and above the normal rules so I can do whatever I want. You’re below normal people so hurting you doesn’t count. You could just decide not to feel hurt if you really wanted. It’s normal for a [spouse/parent/boss/etc] to hurt people they have power over. Somebody else hurt me so I’m entitled to spread it around. This will make you a better person or teach you a lesson. I just really want to so badly that you have to let me.)

Abuse from the abuse-ee’s point of view: “When someone hurts somebody, theoretically they should do something about it, but when you hurt me I can’t do anything about it because…”

(If I stand up for myself, you’ll just escalate. They taught me I have a moral obligation to stand by my [family/community member]. You control my access to money. This was a one-time mistake and now things will be good again. If I can just figure out the right thing to do, you’ll stop hurting me and it’ll be worth it. I physically can’t leave. This is normal and I shouldn’t expect anything else. I don’t have anyone else who supports me at all, so this is better than nothing. I deserve this.)

There. In a nutshell.