Well, if I had any doubts, or feelings that I was misremembering or exaggerating, about my mom’s issues with secondhand embarrassment and general Keeping Up Appearances, going shopping for Christmas presents and food for my brother with her made it crystal clear that what I thought I remembered is very much real.

I’m trying to remind myself that I can both (a) recognize her genuine concern and good intentions, and (b) resent the fuck out of the rude, presuming-incompetence ways she sometimes expresses them, at the same time. (tl;dr, if you try to respect someone else’s wishes and meet them where they are, but act super confused and weirded-out and “I can’t believe you want me to do¬†this, but oh-kay, I guess…” about it? that kind of undermines the generosity of the first part.)

I’m really glad I don’t live at home anymore.

Note to self

I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, so:

I usually say that I didn’t have a speech delay as a child, because I’ve never been told that I did, and certainly when I started school I had fairly average speaking abilities for my age.

But. The story my parents have always told me about my “first word” is about something cute that happened when I was a newborn, not my actual first spoken word, and I have no idea when my first real word was. Or why they wouldn’t know/tell me when it was.

So maybe I did have a speech delay. I don’t know.

Re: the split attraction model

and my coming-out experiences in general.

So one of the main criticisms of the split attraction model that I’ve seen, is that it fits into & enables pressure on lesbians to remain “available to men” in some way. Like, that women who are questioning their sexuality may find it less scary (or may be actively pressured by people around them) to ID as something like “lesbian but biromantic” or “bisexual but only romantically attracted to women”, to sort of keep a toehold in Normal Heterosexuality.

In this post I explained that I kind of felt the opposite.

Today’s topic is, why did I not feel that way?

Continue reading “Re: the split attraction model”

Dear brain

That post that says that the really harmful thing about bullying is when kids feel like they deserve to be bullied (because they don’t have supportive people in their lives), and that anti-bullying efforts would be more effective if they provided support instead of trying to stop bullying,

that post does not in fact mean that you can’t have been hurt by bullying if you had friends or nice parents. (And, dear brain, your parents were supportive for only certain definitions of “supportive”. And for a long time you only had friends for certain definitions of friends, too.)

Sparkly and I talked about Christianity a while ago

Ey was raised Catholic, and I was raised in a succession of small Protestant churches which, as far as I can tell, my parents chose mainly for their smallness and lack of internal politics/drama. For most of the time span in which I was old enough to actually pay attention, we went to an American Baptist church. So Sparkly’s and my experiences are pretty much completely opposite.

The American Baptists barely have a hierarchy at all. There’s a huge emphasis on the autonomy of individual churches, and of individual members, to choose what they believe and how they practice. I remember hearing the phrase “soul freedom”, which meant an individual person’s autonomy to follow whatever they deeply believe, whether other members of their church, their pastor, regional or national organizations, etc. agree with them or not.

And at the time that didn’t seem super important to me? It was mentioned in passing, and the thing is I had nothing to really compare it to. I had no experience of being Told to believe things beyond the very vague and basic, and no experience of focused individual pressure to believe or profess anything at all.

So I have to keep reminding myself that that’s a pretty unusual experience of being raised Christian.

Short nice things

Sparkly got onto the mock trial team ey auditioned for! At first ey thought ey didn’t, but I guess someone else backed out and ey was the alternate? I don’t actually know.

I had a nice dinner with my parents, and also had some medical checkups, which weren’t exactly nice but nothing is wrong, so that’s good. I also got a flu shot, and my arm and sholuder were impressively sore for a while, but they’ve gotten a bit better.

I found the books I promised to lend someone. It’s kind of embarrassing and kind of really nice to know people who are now interested in the things I was interested in at about age 15.

Sparkly visited a synagogue tonight. Ey was raised Catholic and is thinking about converting. Apparently the people ey met were very friendly and ey got to talk to some other people who converted as adults.

Nothing makes me feel better about the Obligatory Family Phone Call than knowing my uncle finds it terribly awkward, too. All my love to Uncle P. (who is talking to my mother right now, and has hit on the surefire good topic of asking her advice about gardening. Good job, Uncle P.)