Abuse from the abuser’s point of view: “Yeah, hurting people is theoretically wrong, but I can hurt you because…”

(I’m special and above the normal rules so I can do whatever I want. You’re below normal people so hurting you doesn’t count. You could just decide not to feel hurt if you really wanted. It’s normal for a [spouse/parent/boss/etc] to hurt people they have power over. Somebody else hurt me so I’m entitled to spread it around. This will make you a better person or teach you a lesson. I just really want to so badly that you have to let me.)

Abuse from the abuse-ee’s point of view: “When someone hurts somebody, theoretically they should do something about it, but when you hurt me I can’t do anything about it because…”

(If I stand up for myself, you’ll just escalate. They taught me I have a moral obligation to stand by my [family/community member]. You control my access to money. This was a one-time mistake and now things will be good again. If I can just figure out the right thing to do, you’ll stop hurting me and it’ll be worth it. I physically can’t leave. This is normal and I shouldn’t expect anything else. I don’t have anyone else who supports me at all, so this is better than nothing. I deserve this.)

There. In a nutshell.

I sat down to write this post elsewhere

and I realized how precisely it parallels the last thing I posted here, so I had to come put it here instead. In the time between that last post and this, I got a retail job.

Honestly the most important thing about this job is just having the tangible proof that I can have a job. People can see me as useful. People can appreciate my work. Things I can do aren’t necessarily pointless or stupid. I can do the things that are expected of me and other people can see what I’m doing and think it’s well-done.

It’s one thing to know that in a shallow, theoretical way. It’s another thing entirely to have the money in your bank account and the hours on your schedule.

Well, if I had any doubts, or feelings that I was misremembering or exaggerating, about my mom’s issues with secondhand embarrassment and general Keeping Up Appearances, going shopping for Christmas presents and food for my brother with her made it crystal clear that what I thought I remembered is very much real.

I’m trying to remind myself that I can both (a) recognize her genuine concern and good intentions, and (b) resent the fuck out of the rude, presuming-incompetence ways she sometimes expresses them, at the same time. (tl;dr, if you try to respect someone else’s wishes and meet them where they are, but act super confused and weirded-out and “I can’t believe you want me to do¬†this, but oh-kay, I guess…” about it? that kind of undermines the generosity of the first part.)

I’m really glad I don’t live at home anymore.

For the new year

I’m going to continue my habit of posting something every day, but I’m not going to be doing it here. (I am going to try to post here at least once a week, though.) Fewer space-filling posts about my everyday life, more substantive posts, more focus on autism, anxiety, and sexuality things.

I’m just going to do my year-end post now

WordPress-generated diagram showing all the days of the year, color-coded by how many posts I made on that day.

The big gap in posts in May/June is when we moved, the short gaps in August and September/October are when we had visitors. The gap in late October is when I was travelling to a family funeral. And the end of December was (is) my visit to my parents for Christmas. That’s a lot of gaps (even if for good reason) and there are also a lot more small gaps this year than last year.

I made 339 posts this year.

I intend to continue my goal of posting every day in the coming year, but I’m debating whether this is the best place to do it. I might make this blog more focused on autism and mental health things, and move the more slice-of-life stuff elsewhere.

Life update

I’m still feeling pretty mushy but the truth is I’ve gotten a lot done. I’m two-for-two on Important Emails, and I finished a work project despite a bunch of tech problems, and I also cleaned and organized a bunch of stuff around the house.


  • More cleaning
  • A little more organizing
  • Grocery shopping for things Sparkly can cook
  • Packing my suitcase

My brain is mush

and I really just need to do as much work as possible before I go away for the holidays (though I’ll probably be able to do some while I’m on vacation) but I keep stalling out. I got a pretty good amount done today, honestly, but still not as much as I could have. The cats have finally kinda-sorta gotten used to the daylight savings time schedule, but Sparkly has been going to bed later and I’ve been staying up with em.

I didn’t post yesterday because

I stayed up late talking with Sparkly. Mostly about music and college experiences, although we started off talking about different types of apartments and houses. Ey’s been watching interior design shows on TV lately.

I’m realizing that I really don’t undersatnd what distracts em vs. what helps em focus. We’re very different that way.

So Sparkly went to that conference

(about “young jewish women in leadership”) yesterday, and I have a quibble.

They gave each of the attendees a little treat bag. Here’s what was in it:

  • Food (a granola bar, some fruit, a bottle of iced tea)
  • Some very nice greeting cards with Inspiring quotes on them
  • Two stickers (“It’s on us” and “Smart women vote”)
  • A package of hair elastics
  • A bottle of (expensive brand name) nail polish
  • A package of “intimate cleansing wipes, for face, body and bikini”
  • A coupon for discounted waxing, eyebrow threading, or laser hair removal

And uh. Supporting businesses in your community is great and all, but assuming that those last few things will be appealing to all young women is not so great? There could be more variety, at least.