(I think this is post six? This isn’t particularly explicit, but it is about attraction and deciding whether or not to have sex with someone.)
simply by whatever view gets there first?
(I feel like I mght have written approximately this same post before, but it was on my mind tonight so here you go.)
I saw this thing ages ago and I’m not sure if I wrote about it before or not. But there was Ace Discourse™ on my dash today (another person who had the opposite of my experience with the split attraction model) and it reminded me of this thing from a while ago. I don’t want to rehash the split attraction model post (I say for my own benefit so I won’t keep rehashing it in my mind), what I want to talk about is what’s “gray” about my sexuality, what made me feel like my attraction was not sexual enough to be real attraction, and how I currently conceive of the weirdness of my experience of sexual attraction.
and my coming-out experiences in general.
So one of the main criticisms of the split attraction model that I’ve seen, is that it fits into & enables pressure on lesbians to remain “available to men” in some way. Like, that women who are questioning their sexuality may find it less scary (or may be actively pressured by people around them) to ID as something like “lesbian but biromantic” or “bisexual but only romantically attracted to women”, to sort of keep a toehold in Normal Heterosexuality.
In this post I explained that I kind of felt the opposite.
Today’s topic is, why did I not feel that way?
In yesterday’s post I said something about there being a lot of different factors that go into what I’m calling “being gray-ace”, and I said I hadn’t explored some of them very much. For my future reference, here’s some kind of list of these factors and what I have written about them. To be added to later.
Someone on tumblr was talking about demisexuality and this is very unfinished but I’m posting it anyway. Sparkly maybe don’t read this just because: unfinished and not very coherent.
It’s sort of like an experience I had with meditation.
So, when I was in college, I had a roommate who facilitated the campus meditation group. For a while, I went to it with her semi-regularly.
There were a few times I actually got really excited about it, because I felt like I was finally getting the hang of clearing my mind, but like:
you can’t think about whether or not you’re doing a good job of clearing your mind
while you’re clearing your mind.
So, like, I would mess up, and then think “oh cool this is going so well! try it again!” and then jump right back into trying to stop thinking about both the thing that distracted me and my excitement.
It’s like surfacing briefly from underwater.
Sex & thinking-about-sex works sort of like that for me.
What I enjoy in fiction/fantasy
What I think I’d like to do irl
What I actually want to do irl when I get the chance
are all different from each other, and sometimes I get to questioning which parts are coincidences or practical limitations and which parts are label-worthy.